dear your name here,

i’d like to have this chance to say i have strong feelings for you far beyond what one should feel about a friend. i’ve done some pretty rash things just for you and i hope you don’t notice the absurdity of it all. never have i ever wished for you not to know me that well until i had to keep this from you (from everyone, really).

i’d want to think it stupid that you make my eyes seek you out every single time, that you make me want to kiss you when you get too close, that you make me want to rip my heart out to stop it from beating too much too fast. but no. i won’t let myself think that way because firsts only come once and i would never ever ruin this “first”. you are my first–who am i kidding, you aren’t even mine.

i want to tell you so much. how much it hurts me to have you cry in jealousy after someone–i mean, really, who in the hell is he to deserve your tears?–how much it hurts to be the one reassuring you that you can have anyone you want, that, hell, you can have him, how much it hurts to think about you and not let my dam of emotions burst and break me in two, how much i struggle to be your friend and nothing more. i even want to laugh with you about how it seems like every song is describing everything i’m going through, everything i’m feeling. i’ve so much to say to you but my ever shifting walls will never break. it’s for the best and i know this for a fact.

i’d rather hurt than risk losing you, that’s why. and no matter how much they tell me that you have tendencies (something i will never attempt to even consider) i would keep it all in. things are better this way no matter how tempting thinking that nothing is for sure and there’s a small chance that you’d have me.

and hey it’s okay, it’s not like you’d even be reading this. it’s not like it would hurt you never knowing all these things. and, well, you know i’m a big girl and i’ll learn to handle myself. i swear that will be the last time i’d snap closing into myself away from you and everyone else just to keep my unwarranted rage and tears in check. sure i’d sometimes grit and grind my teeth at myself and all but i’ll be there as much as i could, as much as i can still handle.

here’s hoping i’m never right about these things again.

trying to forget this feeling,
my name here

I am not a 90’s kid except I am.

I’m not a 90’s kid. Well, technically I am but I was too young to really have a clear picture of how it was back then. I was basically sheltered from the outside world. I remember morning cartoons and anime in the afternoon.I remember evenings  believing with every fiber of my being that WWF (now WWE) was real. I don’t remember much of then really. I don’t remember things that would really mark me as a 90’s kid but… but the music forever ingrained in my being from that time.

When I think about the music back then I always come up with Nirvana, Radiohead, Rage Against the Machine… but when I think harder I come up with a nostalgia inducing array of styles and genres from the cheesiest pop songs to the moodiest vocalizations and I just… my heart feels like it’s caving and at the same time about to explode.

My 4 older sibling are way older than me: the eldest is 13 years older than me and the 4th one, 7 years. They were the reason I knew so many songs back in that decade by heart. Sometimes I find myself singing along to songs that most in my age barely or not even recognize and I am so very thankful for that.

I love music and I say that with certainty I rarely ever have. And as much as I think I know, I’m still learning about the music from that decade or from any decade for that matter.

(And I would make a list of every artist in that decade or make a stack of one song for every year all off the top of my head but I won’t, I’m too lazy.)