dealt

(So this is obviously another of those word vomits I’ve been lacking for a very long while now.)

Today, I had my cards read.

“Disclaimer: I am not telling you your fate,  what you should do, your past, your present, nor your future. I am simply reading the cards and it’s up to you what you do with them.”

Fate, destiny, all that hoopla;  I don’t really believe in those things but I sat down, thinking this will be interesting. I was asked what I wanted to know. Ultimately I chose to read about my life in general as opposed to hearing about love (this probably says a lot about me… maybe it doesn’t). One by one the cards were  lain (laid?) out for me. The last one, directly in front of me caught my eye. The image burned like the sun and one word sent my insides flaring. Joy.

(See, I really don’t believe in this stuff but there would always be that weird churning in my gut with every little seed of hope. I hate that feeling hence the overwhelming effect it has on me once it goes blasting through my walls.)

I kept a straight face and went on reminding myself to never jump into conclusions (nor latch onto false hope). A breath was taken.

There were seven cards spread out in a formation, three rows: two, three, then two, each representing my past, my present and my future. The readings were vague as anyone would’ve guessed. But what struck me was the recurring theme of identity, internal conflict, and shifts, changes. It all sounded melodramatic to me but really, each card suited me well (probably my tendency to fit myself into the words supposedly describing me). It amused me to say the least.  It may even have put some things into perspective.

(There is obviously a paragraph or two lacking around here… meh.)

I don’t want to go into detail as I would get too excited and waste too much empty space so I am going to end it with a note: we hear what we want to hear, doesn’t mean any of it is true.

Oh and the card right in front of me? It was in the future row; it meant lasting happiness… so yeah. What’s funny is that in the past there was a card that pertained to a spark trying to escape and me not knowing what to do with it. Here’s to me burning like the sun.

Okay so this is about smoking again.

My demons are probably catching up to me again. Or maybe it’s just my need for people to accept whatever bullshit I tolerate myself doing. Probably my thirst to screw-up things that are actually important just to have something other than fucking ennui.

Here’s a good example:  Forget about all the adds, campaigns and tax bills and the entire world against it. Yesterday, I went out with long time friends. 8 long years I’ve considered them my closest friends and then go shoving in their faces how I broke a promise I’ve made to them, how much I didn’t give a damn about it. I played like it wasn’t a big deal. They played like it wasn’t a big deal. And I made myself believe that I’m not to feel guilt over something that I decided myself.

I was wrong.

And the guilt is eating at me forcing me to distract myself from update feeds in my social networks that would undoubtedly contain their general and subtle disdain with me, with my bullshit. And I remember justifying to myself that what I’m doing is nobody else’s business but mine. Nobody else’s decision but mine. No matter how destructive this habit is.

Is it so wrong to deal with my crap in my own pace? To be able to say to myself that I’d be stopping for MYSELF and not for anybody else? And I know it’s pride and so very hypocritical of me. Everything I hate about other people.

But I’m a mass of contradiction, forever wavering and shifting, balancing the fragile line of monotony. So here we are again with my endless complaints and chronic inaction. How predictable, utterly pathetic.

I make no sense. I really do.